Nothing Hurts More Than Motherhood

I’m not talking about labor pains. I’m talking about the heartache of mothering another human being.

It hurts.

It pierces both heart and soul — over and over.

I’ve Never Been Pregnant But Became a Mom Nonetheless

I never wanted to have biological children due to genetic issues (lots of ‘em!)

I didn’t really want to become a mom at all! I chose a career and a genetic high ground where I didn’t want to pass on CJD or a blood clotting disorder to an innocent life. Every mother wants to give their kid the best; this is innate.

But I ended up raising a kid that wasn’t even “mine!”

I Met My Daughter When She was 16 and I was 28

She is VERY sensitive about her age 😂 so I’ll leave it at that.

She had lost her family to drug addiction; I’d grown up in a similar web of dysfunction. Let’s just say there was a lot of “Johnny & Amber” for me growing up. Although my mother was a damn saint and more the enabler of that whole mess… which is another story.

Needless to say, my kid and I spoke the same language.

Much To My Chagrin, I Helped Raise a “Mini-Me”

She was fortunate that other adults besides me raised her!

I’d had hope, once I got sober, that perhaps her one surviving brother would follow in my footsteps and join us in sober family life. It was something my heart ached for, something I prayed for. She went looking once for her brother when she was still a minor, hitching a ride to L.A.’s Skid Row.

That was the first time in my life I came close to feeling my heart explode.

Fortunately, She Was Safe

It would be years after that, but we did lose her brother.

I never got once chance to speak to him or hear the sound of his voice. You think you have forever. I worked in the addiction field and thought he’d naturally come around like many of my clients had.

This month marks seven years since we lost him. The boy who killed him is now free. No doubt his mother is having a decent Mother’s Day today.

I don’t doubt for a moment that her heart broke over the years just as mine did.

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